Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
