I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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