you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
