I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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