How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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