There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
