genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
