quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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