After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
