Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
