i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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