then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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