So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Randomize
