tell your sister to shave her snatch
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
