"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
