Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
