i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
