1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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