so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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