awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
