It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
