so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
