2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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