I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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