im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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