Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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