I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
