I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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