This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
