Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
