I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
