I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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