I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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