i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
