I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
