I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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