the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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