I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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