Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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