If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
