We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
