can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
