and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
