My balls are so social today.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
