I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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