I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
