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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Holy shit dude........stairs
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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