my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
