The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
