i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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