I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Randomize
