She is in my trunk
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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