I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
