im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i wish my penis had a tongue
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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